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wow, this gets harder and harder to do.

writing this annual christmas post. 

 

its sad though, I shouldn't be forcing myself to write about something as wonderful as Christmas, after all. it is HIS birthday. 

but I just can't seem to find the heart to write about it.  I don't want to fake a story about how much I enjoyed the season when I just didn't. All the hustle and bustle.. All the mishaps. All the pressure and insanity.. especially at home.  All the requirements. 

...

but then now that I think about it and as I recall the eve, yes there were no festivities. No party nor extended relatives around. No merry-making nor hopping and skipping. But as I recall, I was smiling. Yes, I was happy.  I may not have enjoyed the pre-Christmas hype with all the stress and well.. issues.. up and about, but I did enjoy Christmas itself.

 

I remember myself smiling.  Smiling at my siblings and mom I bought all of them new clothes, hoodies for the kids and a dress for my mom and yes, despite the large debt I've put myself in because of money consumption and present shopping, I was happy.  Nothing could keep me from smiling once I saw the kids put on their colorful hoodies and show them off to each other as well as play their new sungka set.  Few things could top that.

I have my family right where I want them.  I have people that have given me the chance to love them as they love me.  I have a home.  It may be an imperfect and chaotic home at times but it's still home

I have friends who would never ever desert me. People who I can simply text when I feel down and would surely cheer me up.  People who I could tell anything to and still be accepted.  People who seem to be a world away from me but still, care.  People who tolerate my insanity and drama. 

I have.... wow, quite a lot. 

I guess I have a lot of things to be thankful for after all. And when it comes down to the bottom of things, Christmas is all about these things.  These things we call gifts wrapped in human skin and warmth.  

God, thank you I guess it's never too late to feel the Christmas spirit.

Mehn, once again.. it was YOUR birthday, but You were the one who gave me a gift.

THANK YOU.

 

Hope you guys appreciated your Gifts as well

Here's hoping you'll feel Christmas all year round.

Have a happy Christmas-y year people

Remember your smiles.

 

 

come share this moment with me. 

 

oh gods and goddesses of words, why have you forsaken me?

 

i honestly can't write anymore. the more natural way nowadays for me to organize words would be in third person, past tense. passive. extremely passive. 

and yes, some factor for this evasive nature of mine nowadays to write stems from insecurity. demnit. 

 

writing was once a hobby for her. was. 

i need to grow up. enough now. 

 

come share this moment with me.

masakap

 yun lang yun eh...

 wala nang paraan para ilarawan..

 kung hindi

 masaklap..

 

 why didn't you answer your phone?

 

 what's your problem? I was there wasn't I? I was waiting for you... On the way you said, so I waited and waited and waited and waited.  Minutes went by, approximately 30 even, and still you were not there. My stomach was already growling, my fever rising and my breathing getting heavy.  Where were you?

 

 so why didn't you answer your phone?!

 

  what's your problem? I was there wasn't I? But then that wasn't enough for you.  You had to scream at me from the middle of the road.  Eyes turned towards me, burned me, thanks a lot.  

 

 so why didn't you answer your phone?!?

 

  what's your problem? I was there wasn't I? You shouted once again your lungs out at me inside the car.  Demanded my phone and for what? Just to keep it.  Keep it away from me.  Does my misery turn into your happiness? I hope that isn't the case.  

 

 so why didn't you answer your phone?!?!

 

  what's your problem? I was there wasn't I? It turned out you were late because you ate out, again.  I was there, waiting in the cold, hungry and sick.  Where were you? Filling your stomach.  You didn't even bother to buy some food for me.  Thanks, I really, really, really felt the concern.

 

 so why didn't you answer your phone?!?!

 

  what's your problem? I was there wasn't I? All that for a simple phone call?

 

 so why didn't you answer your phone?!?!?

 

  why didn't you answer your phone?!?!?!

 

  why didn't you answer your phone?!?!?!

 

 because it was you...

 it was your name on the display..

 

 masaklap.

 

 i hope you never share this moment with me

Where are you Christmas?

Do you remember..

the girl you used to know...

- Cindy Lou Who of The Grinch

 

< hindi na baleng huli, basta meron...>

 

Christmas fire..

deteriorating in the past..

consumed too early..

with none left to last..

 

About three days from Christmas, I was wrapping presents ALL DAY..

About two days from Christmas, I was wrapping presents and buying presents.. ALL DAY...

The day before Christmas, I was wrapping presents, buying presents and listing even more presents.. ALL DAY..

 The day itself, oh-so-wonderful Christmas, I was wrapping presents, buying presents, listing even more presents, and giving presents to impatient kids.. ALL DAY...

The day after, I was wrapping presents, buying presents, listing even more presents, giving presents to impatient kids, and cleaning up my siblings' presents.. ALL DAY..

 

so dani, how's Jesus' birthday for you?

oh right, its about HIM.. not the presents..

 

Christmas came and left me dumbfounded, lost even. To tell the truth, I barely felt it.  With my siblings leaving a storm in almost every room and my parents fighting  in the next room, it was hard to really contemplate on Christmas.  Sad as it is, Christmas is so built up with all the presents and decorations and food, that its true essence, its meaning, the reason why its special, is completely forgotten.

Its sad because I let myself succumb to all the commercial materialistic pressure of Christmas. Its sad that in order for my parents not to fight I had to do their Christmas chores.  Its sad that my siblings aren't satisfied with their gifts.  It's sad.. IT REALLY IS..

 So,

 

where are you Christmas?

Do you remember?

 

 but after all that...

after all the fatigue..

the sadness..

the insane gift buying..

the selfishness...

the loneliness.

the fighting..

 

there is..

 

there is

the glee in the wonders of Christmas..

the stars smiling down upon us..

the joy in hugging relatives..

the incredible time catching up with life..

the effort to set differences aside.

the care.

the love..

        THE HOPE...

 

and isn't that what Christmas is all about?

 

underneath the red anger..

underneath the green overdecorated tree.

underneath the blue money..

underneath the black sadness..

underneath the gray fatigue..

       underneath every color..

            there is the WHITE LIGHT OF OUR SHINING HOPE..

 

He was born on this day, beside the donkey and the sheep, in hay...

to give us not gifts that we hold or need to pay..

but the gift of salvation, hope and love

the gift..

priceless and pure...

 

this Christmas with all the gifts under the tree

with all the hustle and bustle..

let us remember the one and true GIFT to man is not wrapped in colorful shiny paper..

but is wrapped in skin and shepherd's clothing..

our redeemer, our savior, our brother and our God.

This season, while we still have the time

let's celebrate the new year and the days to come..

by appreciating the gifts we have..

by giving thanks for the gifts we have..

by appreciating and giving thanks for THE GIFT..

 

through all this chaos, there is order.

through all this darkness, there is light

through all this material, there is spirit

through all this... there is HOPE..

 

this Christmas, lets celebrate CHRISTmas..

 

I remember

I believe

THE GIFT we have received..

THE GIFT we forever hold..

I remember..

CHRISTmas...

 

Where are you CHRISTmas?

Do you remember..

The girl you used to know...

- Cindy Lou Who of The Grinch

 

come share the moments with me.. 

 

 

 

i cried myself to sleep last night...

in an attempt..

to put back the pieces..

of a broken heart..

for shattered dreams never come true...

my life was already planned out before me.. this year i go to this school.. the next i fly to the course i dreamed of and will hopefully graduate and become the person i want to be... though i admit, there were times where i desired not to fly, scared of leaving the country i love, but i was willing, to fulfill the one dream i had for myself...

all that..

destroyed..

crushed..

annihilated..

shattered..

put down..

never believed in..

disappeared..

vanished..

became...

nada..

zero..

zilch... 

nothing...

in one moment...

my world crumbled around me...

it would have been funny to see a college girl, having tears in her eyes during Asian history class, luckily i was in the back seat, facing my handouts.

until now the thought of it brings tears to my eyes...

i was always the dreamer, the one who would tell other people to fly high, all out all heart, to infinity and beyond and that nothing is impossible... i've been thrown into the real world all of a sudden.. is this the real world? where dreams don't come true?? i truly hope not... though shattered.. my dreams are still alive..

"I'm sorry, i missed the deadline..." 

if only i could scream.shout.rant.

"WHat?! you shattered my dreams do you know that?! with that simple mistake.. destroyed my life.. nakakawalang gana.. nakakawalang gana mag-aral.. ayoko naman sa course na napuntahan ko eh! bakit ko kinuha? kasi sabi mo! sabi mo hindi ako pwede magshift! at baket ako magshshift eh ang panget ng bio system ng school na un! ni sa totoo lang ayoko sa school ko eh! baket ako andun? sabi mo eh.. tsaka kasi para sayo un.. 4 pa ang kapatid ko may mahigit na 50.000 na tuition, siyempre tatanggapin ko ung scholarship para sayo! eh pano nako ngayon?? nabilanggo sa isang paaralan at sa isang kurso na hindi ko man lang ibig at malayo layo sa pangarap ko.. dahil sayo... nakakawalang gana na mag-aral.. nawalang ng direksyon ang buhay ko.. ano? dalawang taon ako sa kurso ko?? so parang sinasabi mo na isasayang ko ang 2 taong pera ng iskwelahan ko sa isang kurso na di ko itutuloy at di ko iibigin? sayang sa pera at oras! at ayoko talaga sa iskwelahan ko... nakakaiyak.. nakakawalang gana.. sana pala tinanggap ko na ang inalok na pagpasok sa *censored*.. yun nga lang di ako makakauwi bawat taon pero matutupad ko ang pangarap ko... nakakawalang gana..

pero siyempre di ko un masabi sa mukha mo...

kasi di naman ako galit sau...

tulad lang naman ng careless mistake ng math na nakalimutan ilagay ang negative sign... o nakalimutan ang formula sa physicss... sana nga ganon lang yun...

siyempre di ko toh masabi...

mahal kita eh..

kaya..

"i'm sorry... i missed your deadline"

" it's okay..."

*sigh*

minsan lang ako magrant ng ganto, alamin nalang kung totoo o hindi.. 

hindi ko gawi na gawin toh.. ayokong nagagalit... pero kasi.. nasaktan.. ibang kaso na toh...

yung mag tunay na kilala ako ang tunay na makakapagsabi kung totoo ito o hindi...

I cried myself to sleep last night...

in an attempt..

to put back the pieces..

of a broken heart..

for shattered dreams never come true...

 

 

i hope you never share this moment with me...